


these lyrics I wrote for you, I want you to be the start of them

by shininggods (theweirdesthingss)



Series: the words you left behind become a poem, become a song [2]
Category: NU'EST
Genre: Angst, Child Death, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Minor Character Death, this is just sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:22:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21819631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theweirdesthingss/pseuds/shininggods
Summary: there, on the rug, as minhyun grabs a few pillows so they can lay down while talking.there, as the sun slowly peeks, with minhyun's peaceful face as he falls asleep while listening to how jonghyun will decorate their future kid's bedroom.there, as minhyun's chest rises and falls. as jonghyun puts his hand above his husband's heart. as jonghyun sends a silent prayer.
Relationships: Aaron Kwak | Aron/Original Female Character, Choi Minki | Ren/Kang Dongho | Baekho, Hwang Minhyun/Kim Jonghyun | JR
Series: the words you left behind become a poem, become a song [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1572256
Comments: 6
Kudos: 34





	these lyrics I wrote for you, I want you to be the start of them

**Author's Note:**

> title from nuest's "a song for you". this is unbetaed, we die like real men here.

It actually hurted a lot, the tattoo.

When you first meet your soul mate, their last words to you before they die (or before you die) will be tattooed somewhere on your body. Minki has his on his collarbone, for Dongho his thigh, Taeyong at the back of his right ear. Minhyun, Jonghyun's husband, has his on his wrist- a very accessible place for someone to look at, to obsess at.

Jonghyun always had a love-hate relationships with their soul mate marks.

It is, after all, one of the major things that connects him with Minhyun (aside from the deep love, bond, and respect that they have for each other). However, whenever he sees how Minhyun looks so distraught everytime he looks at his tattoo makes him want to curse it. It's unfair how much distress could little things such as these marks can bring to people. 

Jonghyun has his on the side of his middle finger in his left hand. That means that the words are smaller than Minhyun's and thus, easier to ignore- especially if he always covers it with band-aids or something similar. 

And yes, it hurted. The searing pain when you get the mark once you meet your soul mate often sends people to hospitals. Older people say it's half the pain of what you will feel once your soul mate dies. Jonghyun thinks that's a lie. 

He doesn't think the pain he felt when he got the words would even match up half to what he'll probably feel if Minhyun leaves him. 

* * *

If Minhyun never lets Jonghyun utter the three words to him, then Jonghyun had never let Minhyun even see his. No one has seen Jonghyun's soulmate marks. He knows it bothers Minhyun sometimes but he ignores it. The younger is already too cautious with whatever he wants to hear from Jonghyun, he doesn't want him to be cautious about whatever he wants to say to Jonghyun as well.

Minki, who, without fail, always meets up with Minhyun every week in some coffee shop (which Jonghyun doesn't understand because he's Minki's original best friend since God knows when, not Minhyun, shouldn't he have weekly catching up meetings with Jonghyun instead of Minhyun?), always calls their relationship dysfunctional. He says that people shouldn't hide something from their person, and that a couple, a married one at that, should be vocal that they love each other.

Jonghyun doesn't care though.

Him and Minhyun works. Their relationship works. If it doesn't, then they wouldn't be boyfriends for seven years and married for another four.

It works.

* * *

Jonghyun actually managed to tell Minhyun he loves him. In two separate occasions. Way before.

The first one was when they made love for the first time and they were both high with bliss and happiness, exhaustion not far behind. Minhyun was spooning Jonghyun from behind, steady breaths like a lullaby to Jonghyun. They're both tired and were half asleep, like they're in a limbo. 

"I love you."

"I love you too, Jju." 

It took a few seconds before the words registered in both their minds. Minhyun froze and jerked backwards, away from Jonghyun. Jonghyun turned around, facing his soulmate. His eyes were full of fear and sadness, tearing up. Jonghyun opened his mouth to say something but closed it once again, not really knowing what to say. 

Instead, he lifted up his left hand and placed it on Minhyun's chest, as he lifted up one of Minhyun's hand to place on his. 

Minhyun's heart was beating erratically while Jonghyun's was steady. 

"Can you feel that, Min? It's me, it's my heart. It's beating. I'm alive." 

It took a few minutes before Minhyun acknowledged Jonghyun, nodding his head carefully. He gulped as he closed his eyes, trying to steady his breathing.

"Yeah... You're alive. You are." 

They stayed in their position, hands still firmly placed on each other's chest, feeling every heart beat. They were both silent, with only their breaths accompanying them. 

They eventually went back to their original position, spooning. But this time, Jonghyun held Minhyun's hand as it pressed against his chest, still feeling his heartbeat. 

He knows that Minhyun didn't sleep that night, or even the night after. He barely slept for the next two weeks. It was like he was experiencing a paranoia, that Jonghyun might just disappear in a spoof. His eyes looked like they were bruised with how dark they were, and he lost a bit of weigh due to not eating anything. He didn't even attend his lectures, always attaching himself to Jonghyun's hip. He was more concerned on keeping an eye on Jonghyun that he barely managed to do basic things to live. 

Minhyun was miserable and so was Jonghyun. He was getting impatient, sure that Minhyun would fail his classes at this point.

It only stopped when Jonghyun sat Minhyun down and showed him various articles that scientifically showed how the soulmate mark works. That the dying part happens within the one minute after the words were spoken. That if he was to die, he should've died that night. That Minhyun doesn't need to worry anymore because he's fine, Jonghyun is fine. 

"I am alive and kicking, Minhyunnie. Look, here put your hand on my heart," he took Minhyun's hand to press it against his chest. "See?" 

Minhyun was silent for a moment before he broke down crying, saying sorry to Jonghyun over and over again. 

He had never seen Minhyun so sad and forlorn and desperate and he never really wanted to see him like this again. That was the day that Jonghyun promised himself he will never utter the three words again, not even whisper them.

Everything to make Minhyun happy. Everything to never see Minhyun like this again.

"I'm here, still here."

//

Minhyun still puts his hand againts Jonghyun's chest every now and then, feeling his heartbeat.

Jonghyun lets him every time. 

//

On their wedding day, Minki and Jonghyun's mom cried the most, with Minhyun's dad probably running for second place. It was a happy day for everyone and truly, the two of them were excited. They're starting a new chapter of their lives, with the same people and maybe even new ones (kids!). Minhyun and Jonghyun teared up as well, though Jonghyun likes to deny that he didn't- Aron got a video though so.

They decided that they would do their own vows, they're both a man of words anyway. Jonghyun, a song writer and Minhyun, a professor and an author.

Minhyun's went like this:

"Jonghyun-na, JRie, JR, Jjong, Jonghyunnie, Jju-ya, Jju, babe, my love, my world, my universe. I don't think there are enough words to describe how much you mean to me and how much I love you. I'm so thankful that I met you and that the fates deemed me fit for a very special person like you. 

I met you 7 years ago and I've been practicing saying 'I do' for 2,555 days. I am in love with reading and you've always asked me what's my favourite book and I never gave an answer but here it is, my love. Here's my answer: you are an impossible awesome collision of overcome obstacles, constant revisions, and all the best reasons to get out of bed. Your heart is the best written book I've ever read.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I will not tire of saying it and I know you never said it and I understand. You have always made it up to me by showing me how much you love me. You have shown and let me feel it through more than words, baby. And if ever the silence would be too much, I will be the one to speak of it. I will say I love you over and over and over again."

Jonghyun, of course, will not be defeated. So with a very touched heart and wet eyes, thanks to Minhyun's vow, he replied.

"Min. Ah, how do I say this? You made me speechless with your vow. You are one of the greatest person I have ever met. I'm not even sure why you fell in love with me. I am just me and you are you and who are you is very, very special. We've overcame a lot of problems and obstacles and I'm sure there's more to come but I believe and I know that we will get through it. I know I've always been the insecure one, I am not perfect and I know you are not, too, but this is one of the best things I've probably learned from you: that we love not because of, but despite of. That we may be lacking in some aspects but that doesn't matter because we love each other despite of. That we may have some flaws but that's nothing because we love each other despite of. That we both have short comings but those were not relevant because we love each other despite of.

And here I am, in front of you, our friends, and family, in front of almost a hundred people, promising to love you despite of. Here I am, in front of you, ready to, and maybe even have already, unravel all of me, because I know that you will love me despite of.

You are my best friend, my lover, my person. I may not be able to say it out loud but by God, I hope you know how much of a blessing you are to me Minhyun. You are a blessing. I love you."

There was silence, with Minhyun's face and eyes full of shock. Jonghyun immediately held Minhyun's shaking hands, bringing the right one right against his heart.

"And I am here, I still am, and will always be. Look at me Minhyun, feel my heartbeat. I am in love with you and I am here. I am alive."

It took a minute or two but Minhyun finally let out a shaky breath. A tear or two escaped as he closed his eyes, resting his forehead against Jonghyun's. Jonghyun's heart beats calmly against his hand, like he just didn't utter words that may mean he's going to be gone forever. But Minhyun can feel his own heart, beating erratically inside.

"How can you be so calm saying those words when you know what it might mean? What possibly could happen the next minute?" Minhyun whispers.

"Because I am saying how in love I am with you and if that's the last thing I get to say before I die, then I regret not a single letter, my love."

Jonghyun didn't die that day.

* * *

Minhyun, or anyone for that matter, doesn't know what's Jonghyun's soulmate tattoo is, but Jonghyun does. And sometimes his mouth clogs up and his whole body will tense up whenever Minhyun will just suddenly mention the words but then a minute will pass and Minhyun didn't die and Jonghyun relaxes again.

There are less than ten things that can make Jonghyun's heart beat wildly but it sure does whenever that happens and it happens a lot.

Because Jonghyun's soulmate tattoo is so simple and ordinary that it gets said almost everyday by Minhyun, he already managed to control his reactions so Minhyun doesn't even notice that he feels like dying everytime Minhyun says it so casually.

Every night, he holds on tighter to Minhyun.

* * *

"close the door"

Aron's soul mate tattoo is not one to get attention mostly because it's on his ankle. Not that aron is purposely hiding it, no. It's just that he needs to wear pants to work and he easily gets cold feet so he prefers to wear socks even at home.

Ironically, Jihyun's (Aron's wife), is located at the back of her hand. Jihyun, ironically too, never gets cold easily so she rarely wears gloves even during winter. So every time, her soul mate tattoo is very accessible to everyone. Right there in the open, staring right back at anyone who merely glances her way.

"of course, honey"

//

Again, ironically, actually they just really want to be ironic, Aron and Jihyun decided that their pet name for each other would be "honey".

Minki thought it's idiotic and rolled his eyes when the couple announced it. Minhyun just looked at them blankly. Dongho thought it's funny.

Jonghyun thought it's brave.

//

"I'm not going to preach to you about this whole soulmate tattoo, Minki already does more than both our fair share of that. What I'm going to say is this: just because Jihyun and I are stupidly unafraid doesn't mean that you have to be as well. We're different people who makes their relationships work diferrently. If your relationship works, without you saying I love you to him every ten seconds, then that's all that matters."

"Do you think it's working out though, Hyung? Don't you think it's unfair that Minhyun doesn't get to hear it from me, his husband?"

"Jonghyun, you've been literally boyfriends for seven years and your marriage is now nearing it's sixth anniversary so yes, please best believe that your relationship is a wonderful and functioning one."

* * *

Minhyun's lips travelled from his own lips all the way down to his hips, leaving what Jonghyun knows will be a trail of hickeys. His hands fumbled with the zipper of Jonghyun's pants, Jonghyun a moaning mess.

Minhyun sang him praises more than usual that night and while Jonghyun knows and trusts that Aron have not revealed the whole conversation they had, he knows that Aron said something, and that's why Minhyun was extra careful to make Jonghyun feel special that night.

To make him feel that he loves Jonghyun and that he adores Jonghyun and that he never regrets Jonghyun.

"You are also much of a blessing to me as I am a blessing for you Jonghyun."

Jonghyun smiles.

"I know."

Their cuddling was interrupted when Minhyun's phone suddenly rings, making them both groan. They're spent and tired, they just want to lay down and cuddle the shit out of each other but of course someone calls Minhyun. At a little past two in the morning. There are two reasons why they will get a call at such an ungodly hour; one being one of their friends ending up drunk on their ass and with their hazy mind not knowing how to go home, and two an emergency.

"Hold on," Minhyun says as he shifted, feeling for his phone on the bedside table.

Jonghyun looks at him worryingly, afraid of who and what's the reason why someone's calling.

It didn't take a minute before Jonghyun heared a faint sound of someone crying once Minhyun answered his phone. And it only took him seconds before he stood upright, opening the lights, and putting on any clothes that are within his reach. They need to go to the hospital.

* * *

Life is fleeting, Jonghyun knows. But it's not something that he fully realized until now. 

Everyone's crying, and so is Minhyun. Jonghyun is not though, he's never been the crier in this relationship.

Life is fleeting and it could end at anytime, anywhere. There's no way to predict how or when it will happen, all they have are the words painfully tattooed on a random part of their body reminding them of their impending doom and that their loved ones will be leaving them one way or another. You can't prevent it because it's a natural thing- dying. Everything dies. Even the earth is on the verge of dying right now.

Taeyong had a child. Past tense because it was before. They didn't know each other then, so maybe it didn't made that much of an impact to Jonghyun as it did now. But Taeyong had a child.

She was a lovely five-year-old girl, a result of teenage love, but she was cherished and loved nevertheless. Jonghyun knows because he can still feel the love whenever Taeyong speaks about her. Jonghyun knows because he can still feel the pain whenever Chaeri, the mother, talks about her.

It was a tragedy really, meeting your soulmate at such a young age, only to be gone the next day. The boy said all he remembered was Chae-yong, Taeyong's daughter, telling him "Let's play again tomorrow!", before running towards where Chaeri and Taeyong is, no one noticing the car speedily making it's way. 

"We weren't even at the damn street," Taeyong said, pain and frustration in his voice. "We're at the park. But the driver was so drunk at fucking four in the afternoon he..."

Jonghyun didn't let him continue. 

Sometimes, Jonghyun wonders what happened to Chae-yong's soul mate after that. Chaeri said she doesn't know, Taeyong said he didn't keep in touch because it hurts just looking at the boy. Jonghyun understands. 

Life is fleeting. That sentence makes a lot more sense to Jonghyun now more than before. Taeyong may have already realized how real those words were but it only hit Jonghyun now. 

Now, seeing one of his best friends, crying in Minhyun's arms nonstop. Now, seeing his best friend, face hollowed out staring at nothing. Now, seeing his best friend, his body racking out sobs that breaks everyone's, including Jonghyun's, hearts every time they hear it. 

They always thought that they'd get to grow old together, you know? They're all way too young, they're not even in their fourties yet. It's way too soon, way too much. 

It's heart breaking.

* * *

Jonghyun's grandfather passed two months after his grandmother did. He wasn't ill, he was healthy, he was fit. Doctors couldn't find any reason for his death, making his mother angry because why can't they explain his death to her? He was a positive man, even after his wife's death. He never forgot to still smile and laugh, and he used to always tell Jonghyun fond memories of his grandma with a fond expression on his face. He was heartbroken but he was strong.

Jonghyun guessed he never really told his mother how he witnessed his grandpa sobbing one night, sitting at the edge of what used to be two people's bed, holding his grandma's cardigan.

It was baby blue and very soft. It was her favourite and she used to always wear it.

Jonghyun guessed his mother never really noticed him seeing his mother looking as his grandpa crumbled down on the kitchen floor, the smell of the chicken soup wafting through the air. At that moment, he was just a shell of a strong man he used to be. 

It was a whole chicken, always a whole chicken. A clear soup that gets an abundance of flavors by adding ginger, garlic, and onion. It was his grandpa's specialty. It was his grandma's favourite.

His mother was angry because she needs an explanation from the doctors. Because as she took the steps to get closer to Jonghyun's grandpa, as she put her arms around his crumpled form, as she tried to comfort him by humming a lullaby he used to sing to her- Jonghyun knows. Is this what's going to happen to her once she loses her husband?

Is she going to be this broken? Is she going to be this sad? Is this how painful it's going to be? 

She wanted a different answer. She wanted to deny, to hide away from the truth. 

//

"your smile is beautiful"

"please, not yet"

Jonghyun's mother, much like Minhyun, have always banned his father from praising her smile. 

//

Minhyun's mother passed away before any of his grandparents did. And though his father remained strong and did not succumbed to sadness, he was never the same man he was before.

Minhyun have always mourned two people the moment his mother died; first his mom, the second his dad. 

Jonghyun hugs him everytime nightmares arrive. 

//

Jonghyun's mother did get an explanation. Because if a person dies despite being physically healthy, and without any attempt of leaving this world themselves, then there's really no other reason except sadness. It's a common thing in this world, after all- dying because of too much sadness.

Jonghyun's grandpa died because of a broken heart.

* * *

Minhyun, ever since they got that call, ever since one of the most important friend they had passed away, seems to put his hand over Jonghyun's heart even more. He understands though, and even him adapted to this habit.

Sometimes he needs a confirmation too. That Minhyun is alive. That Minhyun is well. That Minhyun is still right here.

"I'm still here Jju, still here."

* * *

"Jonghyun, why didn't we pushed through with adopting?"

Jonghyun frowns on the piece of lyrics he's been writing over and over again on the same sheet of tissue from the diner they ate late lunch in earlier. It's thirteen minutes after twelve in midnight, he's busy trying to get the right words out and Minhyun's busy typing on his laptop.

"Hmm, I'm not sure... Do you want to?"

Minhyun's fingers finally stops pushing on the keyboard, sighing, before fully looking at Jonghyun's side profile who's currently sitting on their bedroom's window pane.

"I do. I actually do. I mean sure, we have Coco- God, I love that dog- but I also want, like, a little human, you know?"

Jonghyun laughs as he stands up, walking towards where Minhyun is sitting- on the floor, at the very center of their bedroom- and sits beside him.

"You sure are very articulate for a writer, a little human," he laughs again as Minhyun elbows him.

"Shut up."

Jonghyun leans his head on Minhyun's shoulder, humming softly, as he stares at nothing.

"Okay, then. Let's do it. Let's adopt a little human."

Minhyun lets it pass as puts his laptop down on the floor from his lap, before holding Jonghyun's hands, playing with them. Jonghyun knows he's nervous. 

"Are you sure? Do you think we're ready? I mean, I feel like I am. I've been preparing myself to be a dad ever since I met you, but now that we're actually talking about it seriously, I'm suddenly feeling scared."

Jonghyun hums again and turns to Minhyun who also faces him. "Yes. Yes, I think we are. I think we should do it. I'm feeling nervous and scared too, but I also feel excited. We may not be perfect, but I know we will work hard to be the best parents we could be. I trust in you."

Minhyun smiles then, as he rests his forehead on Jonghyun's.

"Jonghyun, your eyes are sparkling. I can see the universe in them. I wish you could see how beautiful you are right now."

Jonghyun giggles as he playfully pushes Minhyun.

"Min, please. Do you think we should buy a house?"

That catches Minhyun's attention as he looks thoughtful for a while before nodding. "I don't think there's something wrong with apartments, but I think we should buy a proper house."

"Oh! With a garden and backyard?"

"Yes! Somewhere at the outskirts of suburbs, that way it'll still be quite near the University and the companies you work for."

"Imagine Coco, he'll be so happy to have a backyard where he can roll around. I can also rent a new studio, somewhere near wherever we're moving."

"Or we can just have one of the rooms of our new home as your studio, have it sound proofed and all?"

"Minhyunnie, this is why you're the one with a doctorate degree in this relationship. You're a genius! Let's do that, also an office for you."

"Shalk we look for the house on the weekend? And then we can ask Dongho about the adoption procedure since he and Minki went through it before."

The night went on, with them excitedly discussing on what and when and how they're doing the whole family thing. There, in the middle of their bedroom floor, the tissue with the one line of lyrics written all over it and the laptop with an open document where about a half of a chapter were typed in lays forgotten. Coco stays unbothered, sleeping soundly on their bed.

There, on the rug, as Minhyun grabs a few pillows so they can lay down while talking.

There, as the sun slowly peeks, with Minhyun's peaceful face as he falls asleep while listening to how Jonghyun will decorate their future kid's bedroom.

There, as Minhyun's chest rises and falls. As Jonghyun puts his hand above his husband's heart. As Jonghyun sends a silent prayer.

' _Please, if Minhyun is to be left behind, don't let him wallow in sadness. Let him be happy even after I'm gone. Let him find happiness again, wherever it may be, may it be a person or a place. Please._ ' 

He's about to close his eyes, mind hazy as he feels the sleepiness creep in, when an after thought crosses his mind. 

' _But if there's a chance, please let it be me who will be left behind. For I'd rather experience the intense sadness and pain that comes with living, than let him suffer so much and pass away because of a broken heart.'_

Minhyun talks in his sleep.

"I'm here Jju. I'm alive. I'm here."

Jonghyun falls asleep. 

**Author's Note:**

> it's up to you who was the friend that passed away
> 
> also, wrote most of this while I'm sad so the general mood is sad I'm sorry
> 
> (yes, the tenses are all over the place- didnt I say we die like real men here?)


End file.
